Satan: hey I bought your soul last month and-
Me: no returns.
Satan: please it’s making me sad.
love being trusted with “you cant tell anyone this” conversations and nodding a lot and forgetting everything they told me like god intended and going down as a trustworthy individual while doing literally zero work of ill or good
me: how am i single
me: *emotionally detached, picky af, doesn’t go out at all, has disgusting habits, too shy to talk to anyone they find cute, etc.*
me: how am i single
the guy in the audience SNAPPED
i love this, video
*music intro plays, beat of silence*
Audience Member: WHO IS IT???
*people laugh*
Britney: It’s Britney bitch.
WHO IS IIIIIIT
I can’t afford boomerang so I have to do it myself
Isn’t boomerang like.. free?
She can’t afford it
I can’t afford it
“bastard” is no contest the funniest curse word
It somehow implies that the most hienous thing you’ve done is exist
im going to lose my fucking shit over this tweet nothing will ever live up to this
